Lost

Im lost,im lost because im struggling to understand what or where im suppose to be.
Im lost because i thought my plans for me,,for you for us,would translate the way i had imagined them to but im lost.
Im trying to really make sense of this situation,but im just lost…
I remember sitting,imagining,invisioning my life,my future,what it would all be like…..
I had the perfect picture of the mood,the emotions,every detail of how it was suppose to be…
But i kept forgetting something,,
It was never ever up to me,it doesnt happen the way i want it,the way imagined it…..
Its not about me….

There is great force,a higher being,controlling my every move,deciding on my destiny

And learn to be still,listen and have faith,,,
I will continue  to be lost

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The invisible lump in my throat

As i tried endlessly2 swallow,it just would go away!!!!
That lump could easily be mistaken for alot of emotions,un-dealt with emotions,frustration,anger,depression,confusion,,,,,all these reactive emotions

That lump,this time was associated to that strong feeling of rejection
Being rejected gives me lumps in my throat,it makes me uneasy,i panick and my palms become sweaty,my heart-beat starts racing,my muscles tense-up,i keep swallowing but it jus doesnt subside,it keep just getting bigger and unbearable to tolerate because just like attempting to walk over hot coals,which many have failed to complete,this lump consumes you like a burning flame,paralysing your senses and amazing a new awareness to that feeling of rejection,this lump in my throat made me aware of how shallow life and humans are,,,,,because no one wants to be rejected,we sit with lumps in our through,withholding valuable information and life changing knowledge,jus because of the fear of being rejected,,,,

This lump however can be remedied,,,,,
By confidence,courage and self-love

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My body

The endless curves that distinguish this fine specimen i call my body.
The soft,mahogany-coloured beautifully body.This body gave life,love and still remains just as beautiful.This body has endured pain and the scars enhance its beauty.This beautiful body is mine forever,i cant neglect it or give up on it just because there is evidence of unhealthy eating habits,remedies for a broken-heart  and motherhood.I cant stop believing in its beauty,because even through all of changes that come with being a human being,.my body has never let me down,…..

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Loving with hope

Loving him required that i have a pinch of hope,hope that he could love me unconditionally,that he could hopefully build his future with me,that he could hopefully bear kids with me,that maybe he could,possibly or perhaps hopefully see what i see in him.Loving him required that i have some hope that he will feel secure enough to let me into his mind and let me closer to his soul,that hopefully he could potentially allow me to try,loving him gave me hope…..

Loving him made me believe that when he holds my hands,caressing my body and kissing my lips,he’s hopefully feeling what i have been afraid to feel because I’ve been so hopeful,loving him made me believe that when we made love,that feeling  im feeling is him reassuring me that,,,,,,,even with hope,,,,,he loves me as much as i love him

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Loving him helped me learn to love myself

Loving him helped me learn to love myself because when i started loving his handsome face,i begun to love my pimple-filled face,when i started loving  his generous heart,i begun to fall inlove with my kind soul,when i started loving the rythm of his words,i begun loving the beat of my heart,i begun appreciating life

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It took the meeting of two souls to help me realise my worth,the meeting of two hearts for me to realise that i too can and will be loved by this fine specimen of a man,this strong black man taught me how to accept,appreciate and love,whole-heartedly the inner me,he taught me how to look at myself in the mirror and lust after my body,envy the thoughts of my mind and embrace the flaws of my being,this man taught me that loving him starts with loving me because when i can truly love me,then i can love another.The Gods have truly blessed me because loving him taught me how to love me….

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I AM A WOMEN

I am a woman…..Im a strong,black thick woman and I owe my existence to my forefathers who had raisin-sun kissed beautiful mahogany skin that i drape in soft cotton.I owe my existence to my forefathers who had tender breasts that nursed beautiful babies through the thrist of life.I owe my existence to my forefathers who worked with the bare hands,toiling through the soil,ploughing the fields,planting seeds and patiently believing that from those very seeds,springs life.I owe my existence to my beautiful mother whose physic gave life to my physic,her belly held me safely in place while i grew and came to life,her strong loving arms rocked me to sleep,her lips kissed me,assuring the love only a mother can give,her eyes shined ,dancing in the sparkle of her smile,this creature,this amazing creature i call woman,i call her my mother,im a woman,from a woman,by a woman

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Like a virgin

Like a virgin i lay in bed,scared,unaware of what to expect,what to feel or how to react,we’ve all had that moment where like a virgin you just dont know what to expect from the situation you got yourself into knowing very well the consequences of part-taking in it,and when “it” finally happens you hold ur breath,close you eyes and hope and pray that it happens as you imagined it,,,,,but then you open one eye as if to check why it’s not happening or why there’s a sudden pause and time has just stood still,only to find that you missed it,its finished ,done and you didn’t even feel it or even see it,,,,YOUR NOLONGER A VIRGIN

So what was  the big fuss all about? You ask yourself!!!! It was for nothing,,,if only we prepared ourselves and had high expectation of simple events that we often take for granted in the same way as when we envision having sex for the first time,life would be a bliss,,,,we make a big fuss about having meaningless sex with a high school crush instead of actually fussing about getting over or insecurities or  accepting our “thunder-thighs”  and “flabby arms” because i think those things are more important then two minutes of what shouldn’t even qualify as sex,those things are important,i think,because they say with you,they become you and unless you

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accept them you will continue to idolize the feeling of wasted anticipation,,,,LIKE A VIRGIN

thank you so much for finding a minute in your time to read my post,,,,,im like a VIRGIN because this is my first ever public piece,i hope u enjoy

#therealonkgo

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